...Not Crazy Yet... A Good News, Bad News Story
...so... I finally completed my four hour+ neuropsychological evaluation a week or so ago.
The good news is... I do not have Alzheimer's... for sure.
...but the bad news is... I may have some indicators of...
Frontotemporal dementia
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/frontotemporal-dementia/basics/definition/CON-20023876
...further testing is warranted... such as possibly a pet scan... before that can be ruled out... and ... I COULD actually
have that disease...or maybe some other similar form of it...
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...the neuropsych test was interesting...not one you could study for really... I surprised even myself
with my memory and especially with my already weak math skills. In fact, the
docs said I tested out better than most for my age and educational level on most
measures... at least when it came to comparative measurements for an Azheimer's diganosis... my memory recall was just fine.
But... on some, though not all, of the
problem solving tests... one in particular was quite difficult for me, I did not do quite so
well. One in fact, seemed impossible... I never did see the logic of the
relationships of the colored stars, bars and cubes on the cards I was supposed
to recognize... it was a puzzle where the tester said you had to figure out
the rules yourself... so, by my rules, I made logical relationship choices,
but apparently those were not the RIGHT rules... of the 40 or so card to card
comparisons, I got maybe 5 right and those were by pure guesses because I still
had no idea what her rules were... even when that test was over...
I guess I have been living in my own world all
the time...after all...
======================================================
Thing is, reading over some of the symptoms
from the website above... I DO exhibit some of the symptoms
described...
...sometimes I will just blurt out whatever I
am thinking... sometimes inappropriate to the audience or the situation... but
"what the fuck eh?" This was confirmed with one of the tests where the exercise is that you have to recall as many words as you can in a minute that start with a particular letter...with no names allowed... like "P" for example... perfume, perfect, perform, etc. Then the evaluator gave me the letter "F" and of course you know the first word that popped into my mind... "Good..." she smiled... "...go on."
... I can lack empathy...(my military training
always taught me compartmentalize everything to deal with things ... so for
me that is normal.) And I have never been much of a touchy/feely type... go
figure.
...I can sometimes unexpectantly just begin to
cry... this happened when the Newtown shootings occurred, or
sometimes a movie or a sad memory may trigger this unusual response from this
manly man... something that never would have occurred five years ago... however
in speaking with several of my friends of similar, they too admitted to this... It may be
more related to age and reflection... or depression... but the AZ tests showed
that I am not depressed...
... I spent alot of time in my back
office/mancave reading, watching the news and English mysteries on the Tv and
surfing the Internet. Some, as Mindy does, may
...I spend a lot of time in my back office and mancave... reading the news, watching English mystery shows, catching up on TIVO programs, and surfing the Internet. Some may interpret this as "exessive
isolation" but my logic is different. I am home alone all day... and apart
from walking the dog and writing the flog, what else am I going to do? I was a
bachelor for 18 years... and I have ALWAYS enjoyed the isolation and company of
my own self. With the Internet and plenty of time on my hands, I can read 5-6
papers a day... and also respond to all the email I get as well. Then ...when
Mindy does get home... we spend some time together before I retreat again... she needs alone time to decompress...
...sometimes I think of using one word or verb and something entirely different
will come out...like the other day when I meant to say "good-bye" to Mindy and
"good night" came out...
... most times when I write, I leave
out words...even phrases sometimes... I have learned that I have to go back and
edit most flog entrys and emails and even then sometimes I miss the wording or lack
thereof... is that dementia or just old age? I guess I would be the last to
know... but so far I have no problems with speech formulation or organizing my brain thoughts as some with FTD do...
=======================
...on the other hand... I exhibit few of the
other symptoms as described in the link...at least so far...
So...more tests I suppose...
I found this link informative as
well...
also
So... it this good or bad? It depends... could
be worse... depends on your perspective...
... some links about this disease say that... if you do in
fact have it, decline can be even faster than Alzheimer's... then again other
links say that everyone one is different... survival can be two to twenty
years...with an average of 6-7 years... so go figure...
Considering that I am already going on nearly three years of
this "dementia" maybe I already am living on borrowed time?
=====================================
My personal view is... it is whatever it is... Do
I have terminal cancer like the 48 year old guy with two kids across the
street? No...
Was I killed or badly injured in the crazy traffic going to
and from the doc's office today? No, but I could have been...
Is my personal burden any better or worse any better than
the parent who lost a child at Newtown? No... I have led a much
longer life...
===========================
So, we all die... few of us have the choice of when or how
that might be one day...
As Forest Gump said... "Life is like a box of chocolates,
... you never know what you are going to get..."
... what he failed to add was... "sometimes a lot of them
taste like shit... then you die...
Personally I have never been a fan of chocolates, but most
of mine have been cherry filled... you can't beat that...
So... I come back to a musical thought I used recently from Paul Simon only this time sung by James Taylor... listen carefully at the end.
"...I'll never worry...oh, why should I worry?
... it's all gonna fade away..."
